Weird Pregnancy Quirks: 2

First of all, how many of you moms slept like a dream when you were pregnant? Just because it would probably be inaccurate of me to say, "0% of you!!" I'll guess that a tiny, TINY percentage of you were able to sleep okay during pregnancy.

For me, terrible sleep began right at the beginning. Not even because I was uncomfortable. But because I went from sound-sleeper-who-can-sleep-through-earthquakes to "WTF-is-that-noise?? Oh-it's-just-my-husband-breathing-quietly."

So if Jake moved at all during sleep, Erin's scary pregnancy hormones turned her into someone they both didn't know.

On one particular night, Jake put his arms under his pillow and his elbow *just* grazed onto my half of the bed.

I flailed off the covers, grabbed my zebra-print duct tape, stood on the bed, made as much noise as possible while ripping it off, and taped the bed in half. "Don't even touch the tape. Stay on your [expletive] side!!"

Jake: terrified.

Lights off, Erin goes back to sleep. Irritated. Heart still pounding.

Then all of a sudden, she hears a sound that sounds oddly like tape being slowly ripped off of fabric.

Jake was taunting me. The little shit.

Covers flailed off again. Lights on. "What the hell?? I neeeeed that there! You don't understand!! You always go past your half of the bed!!"

"Erin, this is stupid, and unnecessary."

I get defensive, "I'm STUPID??? This is totally necessary!!"

I grab for the tape in Jake's hands. He yanks it back. I grab for it again. He's more coordinated than me - this only infuriates me more.

It's almost midnight. Tired, and very, very irritated, I grab my computer, say a few curse words, and leave the bedroom (mind you, I go to bed at like 9:30. I'm pretty sure if restaurants knew this, I might qualify for their senior discount. Dinner at 4pm makes SO MUCH SENSE!!)

Anyway, Jake is a lover, not a fighter. He wants any issue (especially issues he doesn't understand) to be solved right away. I, on the other hand, can sleep on it and get over it.

ANYway...Jake thought it would be a great idea to follow me down the stairs to solve the problem. Ay mi madre. I whipped around and told him to leave me alone and go back to bed. He persisted. Irrational, hormone-high Erin...decided to do something she would regret forever. (I don't know why I'm talking in third person...)

While telling Jake to leave her alone (in not-so-nice words) she slammed her computer on the stairs...and broke it.

You know those moments that right when they happen you think, "Oh shit. If I had a rewind button, I'd be pushing it right now..." Yeah. That was one of those moments.

Jake immediately says, "Oh my gosh. Did you break your computer?"

I gathered up my computer...and it's pieces, ran into the bathroom, and said, "NO!"

I locked myself in the bathroom and began fixing my computer. It was still on. The screen was dark. It was just the screen, right? I can fix this...right???

Jake, now standing at the door, "Is it broken?"

"No!!" I sounded like a five year old kid who just got caught doing something really, really bad.

Jake went back to bed while I unsuccessfully tried to piece my broken computer back together.

After one more failed, frantic attempt to fix my laptop, I gave up and went to bed.

The next morning, rational Erin was able to fix her computer (with the same duct tape, hot glue, and plugging in the screen).

Pregnancy is fun.