8.23.2012

I Lied

Thursday, August 23rd, 2012 is the shittiest day in my life so far (Dear Life, this is not a challenge. You win. Stop sucking.)

Blogging is cathartic for me. I need this.

We had to put the most unique, adorable, hilarious, and intelligent dog down on this day. I don't know how to explain to you what I'm feeling. How do you explain to people that you feel like you just lost a family member who just so happened to be an animal?? Some people get it. Some don't. So instead, I'll tell you what happened.

I called the vet that morning. Scout was fine. I was told I would be able to pick him up at 1pm the next day and that I'd be bringing him back to the hospital for physical therapy twice a week for at least a month after that (probably more). Sounded good to me.

Around noon, I got a call from the vet. I was unable to answer the phone since I was playing with Jack. I called back shortly after when Jack fell asleep.

The message the doc left made me nervous...So when I called back, I only half listened to all of his vet-talk-mumbo-jumbo until he used the word "unfortunately." My ears perked. I guess part of me was waiting for him to say "THIS IS GOOD NEWS!!" instead of "unfortunately."

The "unfortunately" was followed by a whole bunch of ugly about how my poor Baby Scout's spinal cord suffered too much trauma...and that it was essentially dying off. He had already lost function of his anal sphincter, his front legs, and his breathing muscles. His diaphram was the only thing helping him breathe. But his breathing was labored...and would eventually stop. They didn't know how much longer he'd last.

I cried.

And cried.

And cried.

We rushed over to see him and love on him as well as end the suffering as soon as possible.

I cried again. Or sobbed. I don't know.

Random sobs from both Jake and I are common these days. And I've never heard my husband cry like that. I don't think he's ever heard me cry like that either.

Scout looked excited to see us because his ears were perked but nothing else moved. Except his eyes. He kept  his eyes on us the whole time.

We decided to have the doc come back in to help him pass peacefully when Scout attempted to lift his paw and put it on my face. He always did that. But then he began to whine...barely. You could barely hear him. Ugh. It was awful.

His passing looked peaceful for him. And that's all I want to say about that.

The answers seemed so simple when I was still Mormon. When I was positive there was a heaven. But then I looked deeper and found other answers that I didn't like. And now I'm not sure about heaven...

Dear God/Gods/Goddess/Goddesses/Masters of the Universe...whoever, whatever you are. Please bless that there is a heaven. Not to help my faith or to give me peace that there is a place for me after I die. But to make me feel better about the passing of my dog. HE deserves to be there.

Dear Scout, I'm so sorry. We tried so hard to fix it. I love you so much. I wish there was a stronger word for hope because I HOPE that you are barking and playing with other dogs, dreaming of your girlfriend, Lulu, running around in the biggest, coolest field you have ever seen, chasing an endless supply of squirrels, laying out in the sunshine when you need to rest, and eating as much people food as you want. I'll always be your mommy. See you at the Rainbow Bridge, Buddy.

24 comments:

SIL said...

I just cried. This is too surreal.

Erin said...

I know.

Ashley, David and Family! said...

Oh man Erin... I am so so sorry for you and Jake. I know how much Scout meant to you. I can't even imagine how hard it was. Sending love your way. :(

Brittany said...

This breaks my heart and tears are swelling in my eyes. So, so sorry. :( Sending good vibes, loves and prayers your way.

Erin said...

Thanks for the love guys. I genuinely appreciate it.

Jess n' Blake said...

I cried. :( I am so sorry. There is something about a bond with an animal that is just... different. Many times, deeper than with other humans. He is probably running around chasing all the birds and squirrels he can right now though! I hope peace will find you guys soon.

Abigail said...

Erin, I checked your Facebook today to see how both Jack and Scout were doing after your post about how awful Monday was for you. I am relieved Jack is feeling better, but my heart is breaking for you and Jake as I read about Scout. Pets are the ultimate companion... They love us no matter what and losing them (especially unexpectedly) can be just as difficult as losing a family member... Heck, pets ARE family! I know nothing I say can take away the pain you are feeling but just know I'm thinking about you guys. I have faith Scout is in doggy heaven (hopefully with my doggies) eating all the yummy dog treats he wants and watching over you!

Jessica said...

Is there anything I can do to help? :{ I'm crying over here. Wishing I could bring dinner and give you both a big hug. <3

Erin said...

Seriously, the comments are enough. You guys are awesome. Thank you thank you thank you. It's so nice to know we have support.

Candace said...

So sad for you Erin. I sure hope heaven is real.
Hold your honeys extra close tonight.

Snarrs said...

If humans can go to heaven then I KNOW dogs go to heaven cAuse they are WAY better than humans!!

Erin said...

Thanks again, everyone. And Caitlyn, yeah, I'm one of those people who prefers animals to people. There better be a heaven for him. And I better see that dog again.

Trevor Gowans said...

Oh Erin, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Cognitive Dissenter said...

So hard. That's such a sweet picture of you and Scout. I love you baby girl.

Michelle said...

A million billion hugs to you.

Kylie said...

Wow. This was so beautiful and sad, I'm a mess now. I'm so sorry about Scout passing away, and for your sadness. I know he was the luckiest dog to be a part of your family.

Donna Banta said...

Erin, I'm so sorry. What a sweet looking boy he was. We lost our best friend a year ago and she still visits me in my dreams, making me think there might be a doggie heaven out there. It's impossible not to cry over the loss of someone who loved you so unconditionally. Take care.

Nic said...

Erin, this has broken my heart too. I remember when you got Scout and how much you loved him from the very beginning. I too don't know much about what happens in the after life but in the present - you gave Scout the best life possible and allowed him to not suffer through any pain. You are courageous. Hope your family gets through this loss.

Kat said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, reading this made me cry so I can't even imagine the pain you must be going thru...I know that he was definitely happy that he got to see you guys before he had to go to doggie heaven, and I'm sure his life was filled with wonderful memories... Just know that with time this pain will heal but he will forever be with you guys in your hearts... Take care, sending lots of good thoughts your way.

postmormon girl said...

I am so sorry - I know just how much of a bond can develop between an animal and a human. The day our cat goes is going to be a devastating day in our household.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mandy Sue said...

Love you Erin! I don't see how there can't be a doggy heaven; and I think that is where Scout is. Thinking of you!

Suzanne said...

Erin, I'm so sorry about Scout. So heart breaking. My dog is definitely my baby and I can't imagine your pain right now. He was lucky to have you!

Erin said...

Thanks for all the kind comments everyone.

Reggie said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I know what it's like to lose a beloved pet.